Thank you so much for being here with me. I have been on quite the journey these last 33 years, and it has taken me ALL of this time to come to terms with the truth. I am finally taking off my mask, and refusing to live under the notion that I’m not good enough just as I am. And my hope is that I can help shine the light on the truth, and maybe some of you will want to take off your masks too. It’s hard to explain my story in a few paragraphs, but I will do my best in a condensed version. What I’m about to share isn’t easy, but I believe that the only way to truly be relatable is to be vulnerable… so here it goes. I came into the world on July 4th, 1984. My two brothers and I were raised by my amazing mother, as my biological father left without a trace when we were very young. At the innocent age of five, I was sexually abused by an 18 year old- young man. I remember my mom taking me to so many therapy sessions, as I was such a tender little soul, and couldn’t understand what had happened to me. For as long as I can remember, I have always felt very fragile in this big ol’ world. As a child I was afraid of everything. Loud noises, airplanes, dogs… I just wanted to stay glued to my mom all the time. In my younger school years, I remember feeling awkward, and “not good enough” because we couldn’t afford the brand name clothing. We had everything we needed, but nothing beyond that. My mom was a superhero to us! Working two jobs, and taking care of us all on her own, as my father never paid child support, or helped in any way. Even though we didn’t have much, she always made everything seem magical, and we always had SO MUCH LOVE! Moving into my high school years, I felt so much inner turmoil. I thought I was the ugliest girl alive, and I would wear a ton of make up, to try to cover up. I also thought I was fat, so I would tie a sweatshirt or jacket around my waist, to cover up. I’m crying as I’m writing this, because it hurts me that “younger me” had to suffer through that. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, so much so, that I couldn’t focus properly in school. Other, more popular girls called me names in the halls, like “make up Misty”, and “Slut” etc. and I cried myself to sleep so many nights. If it wasn’t for the love of my mom and brothers, I don’t know how I would have made it through. It is hard enough as a child, and as a young adult, trying to navigate the world, and trying to make friends, and going through puberty etc… and then having self worth and self image issues on top of it, is just too much to bear. I started to see myself in a different light nearing the end of high school (I think I was 17)… but then the attacks of September 11th happened, and something terrible happened to me. Those attacks terrified me, and I started getting all of these strange symptoms. I started to feel dizzy and spacey, and sharp pains in the top of my head. I felt like I was on another planet. I went through every test you can imagine, and in the end was diagnosed with A typical anxiety disorder. I thought I was going to die… that’s how awful I felt in my body. In hindsight, I think I just couldn’t handle anymore stress, and it had to come out in my physical body. It took an entire year to pass, and I didn’t have any major anxiety/panic attacks for the next 10 years or so.
I was 29 years old when I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I had to have an emergency c-section, because my little Summer turned breech. I asked the doctors not to put anything in my IV, because my system doesn’t react well to powerful drugs, and they went ahead and pumped me full of morphine, and anxiety meds despite my wishes. Well, two full days after I gave birth, I couldn’t open my eyes (The weirdest stuff happens to me)! I think this was the outcome of my nerves being shot, in combination with the strong meds. I was really upset about it, until it was nothing compared to the around the clock, excruciating pain I endured for an entire month after Summer’s birth. I’ve never experienced pain to that degree. It felt like an elephant was crushing my entire rib cage for a full month straight. I was vomiting and couldn’t breathe, and was in and out of emerg. No one could figure out what was happening. It was a living nightmare! I was trying to breastfeed and take care of my baby, and could barely move. Good times. lol! I can make light of it now…. but at the time, I (again) thought I was going to die. All of this turmoil triggered my anxiety to resurface. I realized that when I’m in severe turmoil, or not aligned to my truth, my body screams at me, until I make the necessary changes, and then healing always follows.
So as you can see, I’ve been through a lot of pain and suffering. Thank god, for the courage and strength I had within me, to get through it all. These last couple of years have been very transformative for me. I have been following my heart and intuition and showing up for myself. I’ve been making decisions based on what resonates with my soul, instead of living a life that other’s “expect” of me. I am healing, and rejuvenating, and awakening more and more with every passing moment. I no longer fit into the “box” that society has placed me in. Once you see the beautiful truth, there’s no way to ignore it. LOVE IS THE TRUTH!
You are NOT your body… you are NOT your mind… you are NOT your job… you are NOT how much money you have…you are NOT your depression…you are NOT your mistakes…. you are NOT your gender… you are NOT the blemishes on your face…you are NOT the clothes you wear… you are NOT the words you speak… you are NOT your anxiety!!! YOU ARE AN ETERNAL SOUL, AN ENERGETIC PHENOMENON, AN EFFERVESCENT BEAM OF LIGHT FROM THE HEAVENS. YOU ARE PURE LOVE! That is the truth!!! You don’t have to walk around this beautiful world, feeling shameful about yourself anymore! Let’s heal together!!! I invite you to take off your mask….
Be, truly you Xoxoxo